SO THAT'S HOW STUPID THEY THINK WE ARE! As news breaks that (Vice Preznit Dick Cheney's former employer and continuing financial benefactor) Halliburton's bidless contract booty in Iraq is even more lucrative than previously believed, and as the number of American soldiers who have died in the occupation of Iraq slips past the gruesome threshold of the number that perished during the actual invasion, spin-doctors for this (mis)administration have begun to float the lamest excuse yet in their quest to find a fall-guy to blame for all the LIES they told in the lead-up to the Attaq on Iraq. According to this Charlotte Observer article, the Powers That Be are setting up to try and get us to believe that Saddam Hussein's regime "sent agents disguised as defectors to the West to plant fabricated intelligence" that Iraq was hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction!!! I don't know about you folks, but when yer old pal Jerky saw that, his immediate reaction was: "WHAH?!?" Stupefied by the very idea proposed by this article, I began to make a list of the... TOP TEN REASONS WHY SADDAM TRICKED US INTO THINKING IRAQ HAD WMD! 11. Too embarrassed to admit he wasn't quite as evil as he had led everybody to believe. 10. He can only acheive an erection when America is threatening to invade. 9. It was the Rootbeer Schnapps talking. 8. Was worried the Genocidal Madman Guild might recind his license if he didn't have any. 7. Sheer masochism. 6. Wanted to trick Bush into getting caught in a Vietnam-like quagmire so he would lose the next election. 5. Everybody was doing it! 4. He was secretly getting sick of Iraq, anyway, and couldn't think of a better way to get out of the job. 3. Osama bin Laden dared him. 2. He's just plain bonkers! 1. He didn't, and this ridiculous charade is exactly as pathetic as it seems at first glance. *** **** *** What's this? Another gubernatorial recall effort led by foam-spitting ultra-conservative lunatics hell-bent on ousting the duly elected governor of a state suffering the fiscal repercussions of policies and decisions implemented at the federal level? You bet your sweet ass, Pumpkinhead! This time, though, there's an interesting twist: the intended victim in question - Nevada's Kenny Guinn - is a card-carrying Republican! Of course, he's probably one of those "liberal" Republicans… you know, the kind who refused to sign a blood-oath to Baphomet back when the Machiavellian cabal of power-mad thugs who run the GOP decided to pick Dubya as their candidate, over the infinitely more experienced and trustworthy John McCain. If yer old pal Jerky were to guess, he'd have to say that White House dirty-tricks komisar Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove was behind this most recent recall effort - just like he was behind the one in California! If you've been reading the Dirt for more than, oh, say... three days, you probably know everything there is to know about the nest of neoconservative conspiracy-making called PNAC, also known as the Project for the New American Century. Yer old pal Jerky was more than happy to see that some enterprising soul picked up the obvious and ran with it by starting up the POAC, also known as the Project for the Old American Century. This is one for your favorites folder, folks, with lots of timely links, frequently updated, and presented in an aesthetically pleasing (if vaguely familiar) design. Betcha didn't know the 'W' stands for... WHATEVER! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 29 On this day in 1533, 300 years of Inca civilization in the Andes mountains of Peru comes to a sudden end when Atahuallpa, 13th and final Inca emperor, is strangulated by conquistadors under the command of Spanish invader Francisco Pizarro. Almost immediately after their emperor's murder, the entire Inca population - 12 million people who had previously enjoyed an impressive network of roads, indoor plumbing, an elaborate government, and a brilliant agricultural system - drift into the jungle and essentially disappear off the face of the Earth. August 30 In America's chaotic post-revolutionary period that followed the ousting of the Brits and preceded the establishment of the constitutional congress, former revolutionary army captain Daniel Shays led a months-long rebellion of farmers, debtors, and common working people against the arrogance, entitlement, corruption, graft and rampant mismanagement in which the nation's moneyed elites were engaged at the time. Things started really heating up in earnest on this day in 1786, when Shays and hundreds of his followers - sprigs of hemlock stuck in their hats - stormed and occupied a Northampton, Mass. courthouse to prevent the imprisonment of farmers who had defaulted on their debts. His occasionally violent actions helped speed up the process that led to the creation and implementation of the Constitution. August 31 On this day in the year 1955, the first-ever solar-powered automobile is demonstrated at a car show in Chicago. It was such a resounding technological and aesthetic success that soon EVERYONE in America was driving their very own solar-powered car. From our current historical vantage-point, it's difficult to imagine a world where solar-powered automobiles don't rule the motorways. So the next time you're tooling down the road and you have to slow down because there's a cloud passing overhead, and you start pining for the good-old days of fossil-fuel burning cars, just remember how everything stank back then, and how the oil companies used to control our politicians' every move... Nip that nostalgia kick in the bud, mister! You know it and I know it... the good old days were CRAP! September 1 On this day in 1983, Korean Airlines flight KAL 007 from New York to Seoul strays 200 miles off course, bringing it almost directly over a top secret Soviet military base in Kamchatka. Soviet radar technicians suspect the commercial flight might be a spy plane, so they dispatch two fighter jets to intercept. The fighters can't get a response to communication requests, so they launch heat-seekers and shoot it down, sending 269 passengers and crewmembers hurtling to their fiery/watery deaths in the Sea of Japan. Responding with outrage, President Ronald Reagan declared the Soviets had: "turned against the world and the moral precepts which guide human relations among people everywhere." Five years later, on July 3, 1988, an American warship in the Persian Gulf shoots down an Iranian Airbus 300 carrying 290 civilian passengers, none of whom survive. "I will never apologize for the United States; I don't care what the facts are," said then-presidential candidate George Herbert Walker Bush.

THEY SAID IT! "Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's -- the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train -- there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together. But not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think that they don't have a big-enough cock, so they can't get a hard-on. Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training." - This recently-unearthed interview that ran in the defunct porno mag Oui back in the late 1970's almost makes yer old pal Jerky want to vote Arnie for Governor. The same can probably not be said, however, for his target constituency, among which is found the perpetually offended moralist wing of the Republican party. *** **** *** "I catch fish in the morning and Americans at night. Catching Americans is easier than catching fish." - They're not "Islamists" and they're not Saddamites. Click here to see the new face of Iraqi anti-occupation resistance.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Tony474. Jesus, Saint Peter and Saint Andrew decide to take the weekend off from heaven and have some fun in Swinging London. So they materialise in Piccadilly Circus in the heart of Soho at 10.30 Friday night, visit a few bars and night clubs, then, encouraged by the plentiful supply of available females, agree to split up and meet at the same spot Sunday evening. Sunday evening comes around, and there they all are, of course discussing how they got on. "It was terrific," says Peter. "I met this gorgeous redhead who took me back to her place, cooked me a great meal, gave me all the booze I could handle and performed in bed like you wouldn't believe. I only left her place half an hour ago. Wonderful! How about you guys?" Andrew says, "Pretty good, but you should have seen this brunette I picked up. Took me to the casino, helped me win more than I can ever spend, then took me home, called three girlfriends and we had the most fantastic group action you can imagine." Meanwhile Jesus is standing there not saying much. "Well then, J.C., how did you do?" Peter asks. "I don't want to talk about it," he replies. "Come on, you must have scored!" says Andrew. "What happened?" "Oh, well, if you must know," says Jesus, "I met a beautiful blonde in a bar. Genuine, too, not bottled, as it turned out. Fabulous figure, nipples like chapel hat-pegs. She was all over me, but it was awful." "Why?", ask the disciples. "Well, she was totally willing, absolutely panting for it, but every time I touched her pussy, it healed up!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Lester for sending in today's second joke. A little guy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for a single scoop of chocolate on a cone. the store owner says, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of chocolate today, would you like to pick another flavor?" The little guy says "Never mind", and walks out. Five minutes later he's back and asks, "Can I have a double scoop cone?" The store owner says, "Sure, what flavors would you like?" The little guy says, "I'd like one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate!" The store owner replies, "Like I told you last time, we're out of chocolate." The little guy shakes his head, "Never mind", and walks out. Five minutes later and he's back, "Could I have a triple decker ice cream cone?" The store owner warily asks, "Ooookay, what flavors would you like?" "I'd like one scoop of vanilla," the little guy cheerfully announces, "one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of chocolate." The store owner stares at him and asks, "Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?" "Sure," replies the little guy, "V-A-N!" The store owner continues, "Can you spell the "straw" in strawberry?" "Yeah," says the little guy, "S-T-R-A-W!" "And," asks the store owner," can you spell the "fuck" in chocolate?" Baffled, the little guy responds, "There's no fuck in chocolate!" The store owner yells back, "That's right! THERE'S NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!!! Now get the hell out of here!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Our old pal Gevork from the former USSR sends us a worst joke twofer today. Q: What's the difference between woman's and man's legs? A: Between man's legs always hang the same balls -- between waman's -- various. A little sleepy girl enters the kitchen in the morning to see a half-naked man ferreting about in the fridge. "You must be our new baby-sitter?" she asks. "No.I am your new motherfucker."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky-san' You've done it again with your list of the "Top Ten Alternative Uses for Alabama's Ten Commandments Monument!" All I ask is that you post a few of the letters from the purple-faced zealots that protest this posting. Would you do that for the rest of us strong believers in the 1st amendment/Bill of Rights in general? Your loyal fan, Ed Actually, Ed, I received surprisingly little heat from the 'fundies over yesterday's Top Ten list, which I admittedly set out to make as offensive as humanly possible. Going on past experience, I would have expected a couple of death threats, at least! Instead, most of the complaints I got were like this one from some dude named Al Lay: "I think your comments on the ten commandments issue were a little bigoted. Don't you believe in religion? I'm not a religious person, much, myself, but I think your 11 uses for the marker were comments better left unsaid." Well, Mister "Lay" -- if that is your real name -- I have only one thing to say to you... BOOO-RING! *** **** *** Hi Jerky I completely agree with the decision to remove that hunk of rock in Alabama. [10 commandments monument story from yesterday's dirt. - Jerky] But I was just thinking if it is truly illegal then why do we continue to have money that says, "In God We Trust?" This seems to me to be blatant disregard for separation of church and state. Regards, Rob R. Dear Rob; I've stated my position on this matter numerous times over the years, and I'm sure you won't be surprised to find out that I agree with your assessment. It seems to me like an incredibly stupid thing to write on money of all things. On the other hand, I've sometimes thought that perhaps our ancestors put it on there as a not-so-subtle hint to people engaged in monetary transactions that they were holding in their hands the "root of all evil," in the hopes that reminding them of the eternity that lies beyond the now might help keep them honest in their business dealings. *** **** *** Here goes, Jerky. You want relationship woes? Well, I have been married 2 and half years now. My wife and I, we fight a lot. Recently, I found out that an ex of mine had my baby three years ago. She lives in a foreign country. She has begged me not to mention it to anyone in my family, but it was too much to keep to myself. The joy, the pressure... so I told my wife. She was so fucking pissed off. She hates the ex and the country she is from. I want to have contact with my daughter who is now 2 and half, and I still love the ex. I miss her, but I don't wish to fuck anyone's life up more than I already have. What should I do? Sincerely, HelpMeToBreatheAgain Dear HelpMe; So my first relationship querry in months has to be a tough one, eh? Well, so be it. I'll give it the old college try. It's important to keep in mind that - if the sequence of events you've provided me with is accurate - you haven't done a single thing to feel guilty about. There's no cheating here... no betrayal of trust. Having conflicting feelings - responsibilities versus emotions - is neither a crime nor a sign of weakness on your part. Now, consider your wife flying off the handle when you went to her in good faith, with honesty and an open heart. I don't know about you, but to me, that doesn't exactly sound like the kind of behavior one should expect from one's spouse during a difficult time. Why would she try to make it about HER? Where is this woman's empathy?! And as for the ex who neglected to inform you of the birth of your child for Christ's sake... well, she's got some shit to feel seriously guilty about. Seriously. Bottom line, your daughter is your flesh and blood. There is no relationship more primal, no stronger natural bond, than that. If your wife is so self-obsessed that she can't find it within herself to honor and respect your interests in this regard, then maybe she's not worth holding onto as a wife. Then again, your ex doesn't sound like any great shakes, either. Not that you're limited to choosing between those two options. Without knowing more about you, there's nothing more I can say, except that I wish you luck and as smooth a ride as possible, whichever road you decide to take.

TWO WHACK-ASS SCIENTIFIC SOAPBOXES! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: SHUTTLE FOAM REBUTTLE! Care of: BJamin Dear Jerky, In response to the supposed "engineer" who wrote in about the Columbia disaster, I'm afraid his facts are all wrong. Now, it's possible, as an engineer, he doesn't know much about the space shuttle, and I'm happy at least to see that his rudimentary physics knowledge is in good order, but it seems he needs a little lesson in aerospace. The foam was traveling at 500mph with respect to the wing when it HIT the wing. The vehicle was traveling at about 14,000mph when it broke loose. The shuttle orbits the planet at several times the paltry speed of 500mph, roughly 17,580mph (7860m/s). Nothing enters our atmosphere at a mere 500mph, but maaaybe in Mr. Grayson's magical world, the earth's gravitational pull ceases to be 9.8m/s2 when you get too far away? Methinks he needs to take a refresher course. Cheers! - BJamin in D.C. and M.D. [No need to get snippy, Astro-boy! A simple correction would have sufficed! - Jerky] *** **** *** TOPIC: NIGHTMARE WEAPONS REDUX! Care of: The Mad Doctor Hey Jerky! Concerning the tale of an apocalyptically incendiary tank-mount weapon, it is completely within the scope of possibility. Imagine, if you will, a colloidal suspension of thermite in fuel oil that has been stored in an electrically insulated tank and agitated constantly to prevent settling or separation. This tank is connected to a generator/transformer assembly and imbued with an E(tremely) H(igh) V(oltage) static charge creating a sort of liquid capacitor. And then the whole thing is pressurized with carbon dioxide and connected to a system of non-conductive hoses and a ceramic valve/nozzle assembly. No need to click the sparker like on a flame thrower, just open this bitch up on something that will act as a conductor (which is pretty much anything if the voltage is high enough) and simple static discharge will get the reaction going. The EHV discharge pushes the contact material instantaneously into plasma state, both igniting the fuel oil and initiating the thermite reaction. Question: What would keep the stream from burning back into the tanks and destroying the carrier? As can be proven using an ordinary strobe light and running tapwater, liquids form discrete globules in freefall -- the appearance of a column of liquid is an illusion generated by the human eye's retention of after-image. This formation of globules occurs whether the stream is vertical or horizontal. And as each globule becomes an individual body, it also becomes a smaller capacitor carrying a voltage/amperage charge proportional to its mass relative to the content mass of the main reservoir. Which means that the reaction is mostly self-governing, and that by adding on a small thermal sensor/valve pulsing unit between the operator's control and the outlet, the dispensary rate can be modified to increase the distance between globules should things begin to get too warm. End result: a devastating weapon that will burn through most ordinary barriers and is as easy to use as a garden hose. Exploring the possibilities as always, - The Mad Doctor [That's pretty fuckin' interesting - and terrifying - Doc. Thanks. However, you'd better hope you didn't get any details wrong, or B'Jamin will be jumpin' all up in your face and shit! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com