NON-HOSTILE GUNSHOT DEATH After months of increasingly rancorous debate and (irony!) open defiance of the law by the Chief Justice Roy Moore of Alabama's Supreme Court, state workers finally hauled away the monument to the Ten Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building on Wednesday. A gaggle of shrieking, purple-faced protesters dissolved into hysterics when they realized there was nothing they could do to save their beloved graven image, which was originally installed by Judge Moore less than two years ago as an in-your-face "dare" to anyone to remove it. While yer old pal Jerky's hopes for an armed standoff went unrequited, the site of apoplectic nimrods shouting "Get your hands off our God, God haters!" was entertaining enough in and of itself. But now, we're left with a useless three-ton stone block, just taking up space in a warehouse somewhere! What to do? What to do?! TOP TEN ALTERNATE USES FOR THAT "10 COMMANDMENTS" MONUMENT! Our Top Ten Lists go to Eleven! - Jerky 11. Flip it over and use it as an altar upon which to perform sacrificial blood offerings to SATAN! 10. Hollow it out and fill it with ice to create the world's holiest beer cooler. 9. Slowly lower it on top of that fucking idiot preacher who suffocated 8-year old, autistic Milwaukee boy Terrance Cotrell to death last week by sitting on his chest during an impromptu "exorcism." The same horrific fate should befall any other member of that ridiculous Christian coven who was stupid enough to take part. 8. Cornerstone for a brand-spanking-new abortion clinic! 7. Put it in an overgrown field with an outhouse, a rusted out Cadilac, an abandoned refrigerator and voila! REDNECK STONEHENGE! 6. Paperweight for God's legal briefs in the upcoming post-Armageddon sentencing trials. 5. Use it as ballast on the converted cruise ship where Preznit Dubya will have to live in exile, because - after his removal from office and the subsequent investigations, trial, and horrific revelations of criminal conspiracy on a barely-imaginable scale - no other country on earth will be willing to take him. 4. Auction it off on e-bay and use the proceeds to help pay for upgrades to Alabama's crumbling and antiquated infrastructure. 3. Convert it into two tons worth of marble floor tiles for a gay homosexual bathhouse. 2. Use it as a tombstone for Charlton Heston once he finally kicks the bucket. 1. Take a sand-blaster and scour away the commandments, then replace them with the First Amendment, which reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." That has a helluva lot more to do with the law of the land than whether or not you get along with your folks, work an extra shift on a Sunday, or say "Godamn!" when you stub your toe. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 28 On this day in 1996, the divorce between England's Prince Charles and Diana Spencer becomes final, freeing the future King to pursue his longstanding equine interests - both sporting and romantic - and the then-future corpse to pursue adulation and Egyptian billionaires. One year and two days later, Diana would perish in a plane crash or something. I don't really remember the details, seeing as the incident received such paltry press coverage at the time. On this day in 1964, entertainer Gracie Allen dies at the age of 62, granting her husband, George Burns, a shit-load of golden fall-back material for the rest of his long, maudlin, nostalgia-fueled second career. On this day in the year 1981, Bush family friend John Hinckley Jr demonstrates mankind's boundless capacity for pig-headed refusal to admit the obvious when he pleads innocent to the charge that he attempted to kill President Ronald Reagan. Forty years ago today - on this day in 1963 - Martin Luther King Jr stood on the steps of the Lincoln memorial in Washington D.C. and delivered one of the greatest speeches in the rich history of American oratory. Most of you have heard parts of it, but when you listen to the whole thing, you start to understand why The Powers That Be felt they needed to have him murdered.

THEY SAID IT! "Bill Janklow speeds when he drives - shouldn't but he does. When he gets the ticket, he pays for it, but if someone told me I was going to jail for two days for speeding, my driving habits would change." - In his 1999 "State of the State" address, then South Dakota governor (and current congressman) Bill Janklow used the above analogy to defend "mandatory minimum" sentencing laws for drug offenders. Last week, a speeding Janklow ran a stop sign and slammed his Caddy into motorcyclist and Vietnam veteran Randy E. Scott, killing him. Oh, and did I mention he's been implicated in a rape/murder scandal, and that children have died at the "Young Offender Boot Camps" he initiated? Yer old pal Jerky doesn't need to tell you that this scumbag sack of shit is a Republican, does he? I didn't think so. *** **** *** "I've seen a freaking smorgasbord of destruction in my life. Flame-throwers, napalm, white phosphorous, thermite, you name it. I know of nothing short of an H-bomb that conceivably might cause a bus to instantly liquefy or that can flash broil a human body down to the size of an infant. God pity humanity if that thing is a preview of what's in store for the 21st century." - Was a horrifying new secret weapon unleashed upon the civilian population in Baghdad? Former war-zone medic, current independent film-maker Patrick Dillon seems to think so.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Tony from the UK. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, Doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, no, everything was fine. Are you sure? she asked. I'm sure, I said. Isn't there anything I can do for you? she wanted to know. I reckon not, I replied." "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kendell for sending in today's second joke. A young woman says to her doctor, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks that I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" "Medically, not really," the doctor replies. "Try this: On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the rubber band and tell your husband it's your cherry popping." On the wedding night, the new bride undresses in the bathroom and slips the rubber band around her thigh. She and her husband begin to make love. As her husband enters her she snaps the rubber band right on cue. "What the hell was that?" the husband asks. "That was my cherry snapping," the bride says. "Well, snap it again," her husband yells. "It's got my balls." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Squirrel, that nut-eating sonuvabitch. Q: How do yu pronounce Pussy backwards? A: YyyySuuuuPop (to get the joke you need to do it in a slerping manner)

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; The other day in the jokes section, you ran the following joke: Q: Why is anal sex like spinach? A: Once they're forced on you, you'll never again be able to enjoy them again. Afterwards, you ran an alternate punchline by FunnyboyGreg (A: Marlon Brando loves both of them with lots of butter.) and asked us to let you know which one we liked better. I clearly prefer the first, and protest its inclusion in a "worst" list. It's not only funny, it's true! The alternate version is a bit obscure: I doubt many young people have even heard of Last Tango in Paris, let alone seen it. Just my opinions, you understand, and worth every penny you paid for them. Signed: DrDanny Don't sell yourself short, Doc! It's worth at LEAST double that! And just for the record, with all of twelve people responding, Daily Dirt readers were split dead-even down the middle on which punchline was funnier. *** **** *** Dear Jerky; This morning on the news I saw all these fucking nut jobs in Alabama, crying, praying, and worshipping a fucking 2.5 ton ROCK. Meanwhile, a close up of the commandmants shows the rule: Thou shalt not worship graven images, or something like that. So they're all idol worshippers! These cocksuckers are as bad as a bunch of towelhead mullahs who want to impose Islamic law. Fuck em. Signed: Maximum Bob Amen, brother Bob! *** **** *** Hey Jerky! What really gets me about this asshole GW is the fact that while i was in the jungles of Vietnan this prick was AWOL from his military unit ...DAMNED... How the fuck did we let this idiot get elecetd??? Signed: Xtrahard Frankly, Xtra, once the juggernaut was put into motion, I don't know that there was anything we commoners could do to stop it. Of course, I'm guessing yer old pal Jerky doesn't have to tell you that he shares your concern and disgust at the whole sick mess. But enough of this grousing commiseration and constant re-stating of the obvious! Doesn't anybody out there have any personal questions to ask me anymore? Come on! I'm DYING to dole out some horribly misguided, relationship-ending advice!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE "VIETNAM II" PRE-FLIGHT CHECK! Care of: Jack McMillan 1. Cabal of oldsters who won't listen to outside advice? Check. 2. No understanding of ethnicity's of the many locals? Check. 3. National boundaries drawn in Europe, not by the locals? Check. 4. Unshakable faith in our superior technology? Check. 5. France secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check. 6. Russia secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check. 7. China secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check. 8. Enemy supply lines unknown? Check. 9. Sec of Def pushing a conflict the Joint Chiefs never wanted? Check. 10. Fear we'll look bad if we back down now? Check. 11. Corrupt corporate Texan in the White House? Check. 12. Land war in Asia? Check. 13. Right-wing unhappy with outcome of previous war? Check. 14. Enemy easily moves in/out of neighboring countries? Check. 15. Soldiers about to be exposed to our own chemicals? Check. 16. Daily guerrilla attacks that cannot be stopped? Check. 17. Anti-Americanism up sharply in Europe? Check. 18. B-52 bombers? Check. 19. Helicopters that clog up on the local dust? Check. 20. Infighting among the branches of the military? Check. 21. Locals that cheer us by day, hate us by night? Check. 22. Local experts ignored? Check. 23. Local politicians ignored? Check. 24. Local conflicts since before the USA has been a country? Check. 25. Much confusion over who and where the enemy is? Check. 26. Against advice, Prez won't use taxes to pay for war? Check. 27. Blue water navy ships operating in brown water? Check. 28. Use of nukes hinted at if things don't go our way? Check. 29. War unpopular at home? Check. 30. No plan in place to end involvement? Check. Vietnam II, you are cleared to taxi. [Excellent, excellent stuff, Jack. Personally, yer old pal Jerky would like to see these dark days spark an "arts Renaissance" of the type that took the world by storm during the Vietnam era... but he won't be holding his breath. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com