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ON THESE DAYS!
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August 27
On this day in 1963, 15-year-old Ed Kemper murders his grandparents, then calls up his mother and explains: "I just wondered how it would feel to shoot Grandma." At the Atascadero State Hospital, he tries to convince the psychiatrists assigned to his case that he should never be released. They ignore his warnings, releasing him in 1969. Now 21 years old, Ed's late adolescent growth-spurt had sent him careening into NBA territory. He stood a full 6 feet, 9 inches tall, and weighed over 300 pounds. Within three years of his release, he started picking up hitch-hiking girls, raping them, killing them, and occasionally eating them... not necessarily in that order. Eventually, he made his way home and killed his mother - probably fulfilling the underlying desire that had been driving his murderous rampage all along, seeing as he confessed to his crimes soon afterwards.
Ed Kemper's most famous quote remains: "When I see a pretty girl, one side of me says, I'd like to talk to her, date her. The other side of me says, I wonder how her head would look on a stick?"
Yer old pal Jerky groks, Ed... yer old pal Jerky groks.
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On this day in the year 1896, the nation of Zanzibar declares war on England at 9:02 AM. By 9:40 AM - only 38 minutes later - the war is over, with England scoring a decisive victory. HUZZAH!
On this day in 1994, somewhere in Los Angeles, vintage Sex in the City vamp Kim Catrall was probably having sex with someone other than yer old pal Jerky. I offer this up as proof of the ultimate powerlessness of prayer.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"Ratepayers, obviously, will pay the bill because they're the ones who benefit. And that's where most of the responsibility ultimately will be assigned."
- Bush's deregulation-pimping Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham - who is even uglier looking than yer old pal Jerky - tells CBS News that the disastrous, unprecedented blackout that hit us a couple weeks ago was ALL OUR FAULT, and that we're going to have to pay for our sins. Of course, it wasn't our fault. But that shouldn't stop us from feeling guilty as hell about it.
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"I didn't commit the crime. That is why I got off. I feel in my heart that I got off because I was innocent. But I don't know if I could have proven my innocence if I didn't have the money. And that's a shame. Yes, it is a shame that in this country it costs so much to get good representation. ... When I got out of jail, I kind of appreciated pot more than I ever had in my life."
- In an upcoming interview with Playboy magazine, gore-covered gridiron great O.J. Simpson continues to maintain his innocence in the gruesome slash-and-hack murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman. Yer old pal Jerky only hopes the fact that he's come out in favor of smoking pot doesn't permanently cripple the legalization movement.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Tony from the UK.
As the guy sits in the bar, the old man at the piano plays so beautifully that the guy is nearly moved to tears. When he's finished the guy approaches him and says, "That was wonderful. Who wrote it?"
The pianist replies, "I did. It's called I love to shove it up the wife's ass and then come all over her tits."
"Hmm, well, I don't know about the title," says the guy, "but you play superbly. Look, I'm holding a party for my wife's birthday next week and I'd like you to play for us. There's 200 dollars in it for you."
The pianist agrees and at the party he sits down at the piano. But his playing is dreadful - out of time, bum notes, the lot. The guy who hired him rushes up and says, "What the hell's wrong? In the bar you were brilliant, but this is terrible!"
"I'm very sorry," answers the piano player, "but it's early and I'm in a strange place and a bit tense. I normally loosen up before I play by jerking off."
"Is that so?" says the host angrily. "In that case there's a few girlie magazines in a cupboard in the bathroom. Go and sort yourself out, then come back and earn your fee."
Off goes the old musician, and ten minutes later he gets back to the piano and plays with the same magical touch as in the bar. The guests are enthralled but also a bit embarrassed. One lady goes up to him and whispers, "Pardon me, but do you know your cock's sticking out of your fly and there's come all down your pants?"
"Know it, lady?" he says proudly. "I wrote it!"
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Thanks to our old pal Glendenning for sending in today's second joke.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's worst joke was sent in by Johnny Garcia's Mom.
Q: What is the difference between love and true love?
A: Love is when she takes it out of her mouth and sticks it in her ass, true love is when she takes it out of her ass and sticks it in her mouth!
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ASK JERKY!
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Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page:
Jerkster; It’s a given that the USA won WW 3 (the cold war), and they’ll win WW 4 (beating up on rogue nations like Afganistan and Iraq). I’d love to read your thoughts on the outcome of WW 5 (the USA versus China). How about it Jerky? Signed: P. Ferreira
Whether it's World War Five or World War Thirty-Five, whichever war it is that we lose will be the final war to be waged on planet Earth... between humans, anyway. That's because if America goes down, she'll be taking the rest of the world down with her in an orgy of blood and fire. It's kinda like that "Mutual Assured Destruction" theory that kept us all alive and screaming throughout the 1980's.
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Dear Jerky; I was recently stopped by the local police because I had a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Dubya is a S.O.B." I was let go when I explained the initials stood for "Son of Barbara." Signed: Gary
I'm guessing you're full of SHIT, man!
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Jerky; This is George (ex-cop from San Diego). Besides enjoying your ranting and raving, I finally found something we agree upon! The mass media (AKA - the press) are all a bunch of minipulated, self indulgent, bunch of liars. In years past (before the popularity of small dish networks) I had the opportunity to view a news broadcast from the east coast. Shortly thereafter, I watched the "local" news (fm the Seattle area). It was amazing how the exclusion of a "word" or "phrase" or "sentence" could totally change the meaning of the story being (so - called) "reported." I have never had much faith in the (so-called) news media ever since. You may be a little left wing and I may be a little right wing when it comes to politics, but I agree with your right to voice your opion. Keep up the work my friend, I don't always agree, but I usually enjoy. Signed: George
That's good to hear, George. Thanks for the feedback!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: A COMMENT ON THE SHUTTLE DISASTER
Care of: Aram Grayson
Ever since the space shuttle Columbia broke up, there have been "scientific" evaluations as to its cause. The latest experiment shot a chunk of insulation at an unsupported piece of leading edge material at 500 mph. It penetrated the material! Case closed.
I'm an engineer. Lemme tell ya how I see it. The vehicle was taveling at 500 mph when a chunk of the insulation broke off. You must remember that the insulation material was also traveling at 500 mph. The insulation and the wing's leading edge are separated by some 60 feet. After the separation the vehicle increased its speed by a little, and the insulation slowed a little. The impact velocity will be the difference of the two velocities. It doesn't take much time for the vehicle travling at 500 mph to cover a distance of 60 feet. The impact velocity was probably in the order of 30 mph.
These nonsense tests of blasting a piece of insulation at an unsupported piece of leading edge material was nothing more than CYA propaganda meant to impress an infinitely gullible public.
Aram Grayson
San Jose, CA
[So... whaddaya think? Death ray? - Jerky]
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
feedback@dailydirt.com
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